Figuring it Out!

We were in New Jersey for the past several days for our best man Mike's oldest brothers funeral. Sadness. The most sad thing for me wasn't that he's dead (he was 38) it's the fact that, from what I've been told and heard at the funeral, the guy was a huge partyer, drank a lot, drove a motorcycle recklessly (thus the reason for his passing), super charismatic, lots of friends, everyone seemed to think he was their best friend, and yet there was a totally different side of him around his family. His friends seemed more distraught and hysterical than the family and kept saying how he lived his life to the fullest not afraid of death and that he died doing what he did, living life to the fullest. Knowing how he died, I can't say that's how I imagine or define living life to the fullest, and most people I know wouldn't either. But perhaps that's the only way to define it when you don't know Christ...living life to fill it...

Anyway, it was wonderful to be there for Mike and spend time with the family, one we love and have been adopted by. I finally feel I fit in and have been accepted for who I am and not just as Chris' wife. It will be another home and homes are so needed.

We then went to church on Sunday and Chris and his dad afterward had some guy time at Waterfest, the largest VW show in the U.S; his mom and I went to a church picnic and then spent time together talking and shopping to get stuff for our beach trip the next day. I'm glad I got to spend it with her. We're still getting to really know each other and build a good relationship.

I knew I needed a day at the beach but didn't realize it until we got there! Oh it was soooo hot laying out on the sand in the sun but if I sat up I could feel the breeze and it was wonderful! I laughed and giggled as we played in the water trying to see if we could make it up over the waves before the broke on top of us...yes, I ate it a couple times ;) But I so needed it! We played and laughed and it was such a retreat! Then we got to go to a seafood dinner on the water, it felt like a mini-vaca one which we've desperately needed and couldn't afford, so thanks for planning that treat Mom and Dad C.

We ended up so sunburnt!! We're still feeling it today and it itches on top of hurting and we're already peeling on our faces! I've never peeled so quickly in my life! My poor hubby, he usually doesn't burn much and in our excitement he forgot to put sunscreen on above his knees while he sat in a chair on the sand, he's now hurting a bit...fortuantely I've been down this road before and can offer my expertise! lol

Now he's off to worship team practice and I have some time to make phone calls, read a book that is amazing and evoking some emotions I haven't felt in awhile. All in all I realized today I had a choice. Stop worrying about everything going on right now and who's thinking what and that I'm still lonely and missing home and not wanting to do much and being suspicious of things based off past experience, and start enjoying my life!

I like where I live. I like it better now that I feel like I can build a life here rather than being upset that I still don't have one. God has a purpose for me and although I don't have to know how everything is supposed to go and I would like to at least have a goal, something to work towards and keep me motivated, I don't have to. I need to keep seeking him in relationship and that's what I need to keep my eyes on, not- am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? am I doing it 'right'? who am I pleasing or displeasing?

As my book puts it: "If obedience and service is flowing out of you as a result of your dependence on God alone, you won't keep track of it with an eye toward reward, you'll just do it. But if you're preoccupied with wherther you've done enough to please God, then you're not looking at Him, you're looking at your own works. And you're also concerned about who else might be looking at you, evaluating you."

These are things I've learned through hurts and other things along the way, but I'm ready to lay aside the issues that I've allowed to be bigger than my God or my trust in my God. A new day waits by God's grace! And I'm more motivated to do new things! I'm excited by life again! Maybe I'll take a class at a community college or something I don't know, but it sounds like fun and it sounds like a step towards accepting where I live and where I'm at and trusting God's purpose for this time!

I'll write soon! I like it, it's such a wonderful outlet!
♥ dani